Dreams Of Paradise by Joshua Armstrong

Maybe 30 years ago I started a series called "dreams". It was a modern art meets pop art time in my life. What can I say... But the whole thought process was looking into the soul of your subject and pulling out just one emotion. The first two are longing and desire. This one is Paradise.

THEY HAVE LANDED!!!!! and they masses scatter to gather their loved ones, most precious possessions and a change of undies.

I've decided to mow a crop circle

Sanding is not for the blind

I don't know what possessed me. I didn't want to go back, really I didn't... But I did. All day plane crashes deserve to be witnessed.

when she answered the door, his wife, Mary Anne, told me to go right up stairs. She said I was expected. "What??" I responded with a voice pitched where 12 year old girls had problems reaching. "How did he know I was coming?"

"He's funny like that" she sighed.

So up the stairs I tread. I open the door to the guest room, and there before me is the abominable masked man. I wet myself just a little.

"Do you know the best way to sand plaster smooth after you've applied it?" He asked me. I couldn't tell if he could actually see me or not.

"I think I do" I answered with all the confidence of a teacup poodle.

"Well, I think we both know, you don't. You hire somebody dingleberry! Cause is sucks big ole rotten duck eggs! I hate it!" I swear to god I think he growled. "But sands that, Get it?, you use the ugly lights."

We all know by now that I shouldn't have asked but of course I did.

"You take some strong work lights and you set them up close to the wall. Shine 'em the length of the wall. It'll show the ridges of the plaster in relief. So you can see where to sand. Like this"

And low and behold, what had looked like a pretty darn good plaster job, turned into a moonscape.

" Now use a fine sanding sponge or 150 grit. And be gentle. Your not trying to scrub skunk off your Alpaca. If you can make it look half decent with the ugly lights it'll look perfect under normal lighting"

He pointed out a few little waves and bubble holes then turned off the light and,....perfection!

I swear I was just gonna smooth the woodwork down a little so I could paint it. But there was that one little chip of paint, and then another, and another... I just couldn't stop!!! Oh God I'll never finish this room. I think I need an intervention.

The peach guest room

Ok kids, it's time we got caught up, I've missed you. I had a blog for a while but I got lazy. My wife and I started putting some of our rooms on HGTV.com's "Rate My Space". Well now we're the "Top rated of all time " on some of the spaces. It fluctuates, but we are usually on the first page for Home Exteriors, Holidays, Other Rooms, etc... But I digress. People have commented, that they like my humor. (Go figure). http://www.athomewith.com/community/Joshua--Mary-Anne/style.esi?userid=11145466
So now, I'm momentarily motivated to share our home and my attitude with a different multitude. Or as some people call it,"A shameless ego boost."

So here I am back at the beginning. I was gonna try and remember all the stuff I did before, but I rarely remember to take out the trash or put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher, so that's out. So we'll start with my current project and work backwards as motivation allows. Which means,... pretty much,... the current project.

The Peach Guest Room:

I'm gonna copy excerpts from my Face book page and pictures cause,...well,.. I'm kinda lazy. But once we're caught up I'll write more original stuff. Or if your lucky I'll plagiarize someone really funny.

So here we go,...Oh by the way, this type of public display forces me to actually finish projects because people say things like, "Cool! show us the next picture!!" and being insecure and emotionally immature I react to the social pressure to perform. I'm like a monkey on the remodeling leash, So to speak, with that annoying grinder organ thing playing some obnoxious tune in the background.

*You know how you'll see a beautifully decorated room for the first time? You take in the big picture, the sensory overload of amazing details, the furniture, the collectibles, the art, and you say, "WOW! this room looks amazing!!"

And the owner says, "What are you, on crack?" (or something to that effect). He/She then goes on to say, "Man this room needs so much work!, it makes me want to take 19th century, hand wrought, cast iron, nails and thrust them in my eyes, over and over again!" (or something to that effect.)

And since there really isn't much of a response for a statement like that, you stand there meekly as he points out the following....

OOOh! pretty
And now your thinkin' your condo ain't lookin' so bad, what with the building maintenance, security, trash pickup and such.




So next week you come back over, because you somehow mysteriously left your wallet, and after plying you with some fairly decent wine, the guy goes all religious on you. He falls to his knees and screams "I know God loves me! Cause she invented Perforated ceiling washers, just for me!!"




You look around the room, and by golly! it looks like the set from a really bad 60's western. (If you don't understand the referance, then you are young, but still interested in classic homes, and I can die knowing that the world will continue turning.)






So, you come back a few days later, because he got you so snockered the other day that you forgot your wallet, again. He's standing in the room, wearing a silk scarf, standing in front of an industrial fan, on high, the breeze is blowing back his plaster riddled, graying hair, and he asks, "don't you love the smell of drying joint compound in the afternoon?" Once again, what the hell do you say to that? You look around the room, and your thinking, "Holy crap! Andy Warhol can bite me!" Cause the guy is either a really great artist or he's been spending way!, too much time with his GPS.


You grab your wallet, run like hell, cause you just realized that this is gonna be an all day plane crash!!!!

 April,28,2015

So, I'm reading back on some old blogs, just to remind myself how witty and adorable I am and I realize that I never followed up on the completion of the Peach bedroom/now Purple, with pictures of the finished product. I mean Holy shit! it's almost time to re-paint it!! And if nothing else you'd think the ego feed portion of the completed job and all the attaboys would have motivated me. Procrastination even beats Ego? Who'd a thunk it?!?

 
So here they are. Sorry it took so long!